In the beginning…
The genesis of this blog post, like the majority of my blog posts, starts with virus-induced delirium.
In this particular case, two-days of vomiting and a severe electrolyte imbalance, despite the best efforts of well-meaning roommates and the BRAT diet, allowed me to explore new horizons of madness, previously unavailable to my brain, satiated as it previously was with the perfect balance of nutrients.
However, now that I was half-starved and feverish, I was able to wrap my head around new concepts, the first of which was a problem that I’ve wrestled with for a long time:
Meatloaf – What the f***?
Compound word consisting of meat and loaf.
The first word presents a problem for me: How could I make something that has, in its very name, the object of avoidance for me and the rest of my fellow vegetarians?
The only saving grace of meatloaf, I supposed, was that the latter half of the compound word consists of “loaf,” implying bread, which I could consume guilt-free.
Hooray!
After a google search, however, I discovered that meatloaf doesn’t even have any f***ing bread in it. I was beyond livid, but determined to break the lexical chains that have bound generations of meatloaf lovers who love neither meat nor loaf, but only the beautiful combination of their metamorphosed flavors.
Why now?
I guess I should explain why I was so focused on this particular dish:
1. My sister had recently passed along a recipe for “Meatless Loaf,” as a homely substitute for Turkey during Thanksgiving. I wanted to try that sh** out. If she could do it, I could certainly do it and I would do it better than her because she's always trying to upstage me and do things better so this was my chance to show her who's boss. Who's boss? Me, that's who's boss, why would you even ask that?
2. My roommate, who had recently undergone dental surgery, could only eat things with a certain squidgy consistency. Meatloaf’s squishy texture would be the perfect dish to appease her.
3. It has a similar color to certain kinds of vomit, which gave me a feeling of nostalgia for my previous status as a puking invalid unable even to complete the most elementary of tasks.
Tangent: I hate being f***ing sick so f***ing much it makes me want to puke
The last reason that I was so focused on making this dish is an overt desire to overcome the limitations of sickness in general.
Sickness f***ing blows. It’s the most inconvenient thing ever created, especially for Type-A motherf***ers like me. I have a constant need to maximize my productive capacity and efficiency at all times.
In fact, when I read this Postsecret post, I practically sh** all over the place with self-recognition. You know you do this sh**:
As you can imagine, for a sick f*** like me and 80% of this work-slave society, being sick is like being in the Ninth circle of Hell.
Motherf***ing theories of production
You are presented with incredible amounts of free-time, which for our overworked society is a f***ing hot commodity, to say the least.
With that free time, you can do all sorts of productive things. You are presented with this incredible opportunity to have actually PRODUCED something by the end of the day. I’m not the only person who thinks that producing things makes people, happy, ok?
Check out these two dudes’ theories. One’s about sh** and the others’ is about making sh**.
With those PRODUCED things, you can either look at them, heave a self-satisfied sigh, and say, “Well, I’m officially a badass motherf***er. Look at all this sh** I just made!”
Or, you can tell your friends about it, which is like saying the previous sentence to yourself, except better, because then your friends feel worse, which should make you feel better (Do you ever catch yourself in the middle of an act, thinking about how your going to tell your friends about doing that act and relishing in the fictitious created future even more than the actual doing of the act? That’s so f***ed up! I do it all the time!)
But instead, you’re in pain, exhausted, delirious, and a million other uncomfortable feelings, which allow you simply to EXIST, and not produce…Thus inducing a sharp feeling of inadequacy and squalor. F***ing hate that sh**….
So I decided to produce, and produce this recipe I did.
WHAT ABOUT THE F***ING RECIPE ASSHOLE!
My disclaimer for this recipe is that it A REALLY LONG TIME and is a bit elitist because you have to have a f***ing food processor. If you don’t, you might as well not make this recipe because it would take for-f***ing EVER.
It involves three basic processes:
1. Prepare ingredients
2. Combine ingredients
3. Squish ingredients into a funny-looking paste
You do this probably a dozen times. Kind of like your stomach does. So in a way, it actually saves your stomach some time by imitating the first stage of digestion. So maybe the net time taken to prepare, make, eat, and digest this recipe is the same as any other. Just in this recipe, the digestion happens up front. Weird.
Ok, anyway, here’s the recipe. It does make a f***ing tasty meatloaf, so get ready:
Alright, so this is copied from this website, but I changed some shit, so it’s not exactly the same.
1 medium sweet potato
1 medium onion
1 medium carrot
ANY OTHER VEGETABLES YOU WANT
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 15-ounce can cannellini beans (or other white beans), drained and rinsed
14 ounces extra-firm tofu (one 14 to 16-ounce package)
2 tablespoons soy sauce
2 tablespoons tomato paste
1 tablespoon GOOD mustard
1 egg (optional. If you’re vegan, obviously don’t use the egg. Just don’t put it in the f***ing recipe and voila it’s vegan!)
1/4 cup fresh parsley, chopped
1/2 tablespoon rubbed sage
1 tablespoon thyme leaf
1/2 tablespoon dried rosemary, crushed
1 1/2 teaspoon salt (or to taste)
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
1 teaspoon paprika
2 tablespoons nutritional yeast
1/2 cup chopped almonds (optional)
3/4 cup quinoa flakes (I know, I had to look this shit up. If you can’t find them/afford them, buy some f***ing corn flakes)
Steam up a swot perderder and get it nice and soft and supple. Choose a method. I have a rice maker that steams that sh** up nicely.
Mince the onion, carrot, and “ANY OTHER VEGETABLES YOU WANT.”
Heat a large, non-stick skillet. Add the minced vegetables, including garlic, and cook, stirring regularly, until they become tender, about 6-10 minutes. Add more oil by the teaspoon if necessary to keep the vegetables from sticking or becoming dry. Once they’re softened, add the drained beans and mash them lightly with a slotted spoon or spatula.
Place the peeled sweet potato into the food processor along with the tofu, soy sauce, and all seasonings, including nutritional yeast. Process until fairly smooth. Add the walnuts and pulse a few more times. Scrape the tofu mixture into a large mixing bowl and add the quinoa flakes and the cooked vegetables. Stir well.
Preheat oven to 375F.
Put the mush into a container or on a baking sheet and make it into a fun meatless sculpture work of art. Like this sh**
Bake for 25 minutes or until the top is evenly browned. Loosely cover with aluminum foil and cook for 20 more minutes. Check to make sure that the center is firm; if not, give it a little extra time. (You can also remove the foil and cook for 5 more minutes for a crunchier crust.) Remove from oven and allow to stand for 10 minutes before slicing and serving.
