New Motherf***ing Sandwich on the Block

I got this idea from this amazing sandwich I had at Trident Booksellers and I’m basically stealing their idea. I’m not sure that this is the exact recipe and I changed it so if you work at Trident and you’re pissed, f*** you because it’s not the same recipe and I don’t even care that you’re mad because I really like your bookstore and would probably like you so let’s just make up, ok?

So here’s the basic formula for the sandwich:

Goo + cheese = goocheese, or tasty f***ing sandwich filling.

Check out this goo:

1. some super-tasty mustard, like horseradish mustard or Dijon mustard. The kind of mustard where you can see the mustard seeds because that’s why they call it mustard. It’s because of the mustard seeds. So why does everybody eat that French’s bulls**t that doesn’t even taste like real mustard and actually tastes like someone is squirting spoiled vinegar down my throat!

2. Avocado. Squished. You may choose your preferred squishing method. Perhaps with a mortar and pestle (though this method is very messy and completely unnecessary but could be cool to try).

3. Hummus (see homemade hummus recipe below).

Alright, so now that you’ve got your goo, spread that sheezy on some bread. How much? As much as it takes for you to goo the bread up...duh

Now cover that breadgoo with some cheese. I like Havarti dill for this particular sandwich, but choose whatever kind of cheese you like. Could be cheddar for all I care. Actually, I really don’t give a f*** so I don’t know why I’m choosing to spend a whole paragraph on this bullsh**

Alright, not that you’ve covered the breadgoo with cheese, pop it into a toaster oven. Don’t have a toaster oven? Well, then you’re screwed because if you put this cheesy breadgoo vertical, you’ll have a hot mess on your hands…Actually mostly on your toaster.

So that’s it. Goo, bread, and cheese. But damn that’s some good cheesybreadgoo. Enjoy b**ches.

Black Bean and Sweet Potato Tacos

Alright, I promised I would put this recipe out by internet means. Here we go.

The basic idea here is that you want to make a paste that tastes good, put it in a tortilla with some cheese, and then eat it. I'm pretty sure this is a fundamental human desire.

Ingredients:

• Two sweet potatoes.
• One yellow onion or sweet onion. Either works.
• One of the big cans of black beans. Not the sixteen ounce ones, the jumbo cheap goya ones.
• 3 or so cloves of garlic.
• A substantial amount of olive oil.
• Salt, cumin, maybe some chili powder, figure it out yourself why don't you?

Also:

• Cheddar cheese
• Tortillas

So this is real easy. In fact, you can probably tell what's going to happen just by looking at the ingredients list.

1. Chop everything up. Mince the garlic, chop the onion into strips, sweet potatoes into little cubes (centimeter and a half?). Fryable size.
2. Fry it in olive oil. Garlic first, till brown, then add the onions, till soft. Then the sweet potatoes, till they get tender but not mushy. Keep adding olive oil throughout, preferably an excessive amount.
3. Pour in the black beans, juice and all. Bring it to a simmer. Heat down, just enough to keep it simmering.
4. Go grate some cheese. Come back and stir the bean thing with a spatula occasionally. You want to hit the point where the beans start breaking open and letting their goop out. It'll turn into a nice blobby mass, which if you've put in enough olive oil will basically not stick to the walls of the pan at all. Like I said, a lot of olive oil.
5. Somewhere during that last step, spice it. Add cumin. Add salt. Add whatever else you're into.
6. You thought that was enough cumin and salt, but you were wrong. Add more.
7. Have I mentioned that cumin has been scientifically proven to cure depression, gonorrhea, and amputation? More.
8. Take it off, let it cool. Eat it in a tortilla with cheese.
9. Put the rest in the fridge, clean up.
10. Wait twelve hours.
11. Fart copiously and joyously.

You're welcome.